I spent 10 years trying to fix the world but broke myself instead
--
*Some people may have heard a version of this story, but adjustments have been made to enhance the key messages
Earlier this year, I picked up this book by Scott Adams titled How to Fail at Everything and Still Win Big. One of the chapters really struck me — it’s about what he calls The Selfishness Illusion. In it, he boldly states that when it comes to generosity, there are only three types of people in this world: selfish, stupid, and a burden to others.
What a bold statement for a cartoonist to make! Reading it left me confused, amazed, and utterly smacked in the face all at once.
But before we delve deeper into that, allow me to tell you a little about myself.
I was born in a rather small town in East Java, Indonesia. I could say the place is my ultimate comfort zone, where I have a lot of great memories growing up. Life hit me hard at 12 when I lost my mum when everything flipped 180 degrees overnight. But if there’s one thing that came out of that, it was this premature maturity — paired with an insane drive to make something of myself.
Even as a kid, I was always “that” child — active, idealistic, and, as people around me would say, too empathetic for my own good. I spent my 12 school years mostly active in organisations and peaked when I eventually became the student council president during high school.
As president, my relentless pursuit of fairness and my rebellious personality had me standing up for my peers to the point where I clashed with teachers and even got summoned by the headmaster multiple times. I always chuckle and cringe whenever I reminisce about those years — the ultimate embodiment of what a high schooler could ask for.
Looking back, my whole life seemed to revolve around putting others before myself. I dreamed of elevating my family’s status, being the rock everyone could lean on, and, most importantly, not being a burden to anyone.
This mindset? Yep, full-on superhero syndrome. Somewhere in my head, I truly believed I could change the world (read: my family). This sense of responsibility pushed me to leave for Jakarta not long after high school.
University was a whirlwind. I studied International Relations at a private university while throwing myself headfirst into AIESEC, where I eventually became the Vice President of External Relations. Every step I took was driven by this conviction that I had a privilege others didn’t: the financial backing of extended family who believed in me.
Wasting my 3.5 years of university wasn’t an option.
Cue over-studying, over-sacrificing, and overloading myself with responsibilities. In short, I was being greedy as f*ck.
It paid off, or so I thought. Shortly after graduating, through the power of networking, I landed a job as an L&D Consultant at a small HR consulting firm in Singapore. Remote work, high demand, decent pay — seemed like the dream. Still, amidst the grind, I neglected one crucial thing: my health.
In April, the universe decided it was time to shake me awake. Out of nowhere, my left eye began hurting — a deep pain that worsened when I glanced sideways. At first, I concluded it was fatigue from staring at screens all day. I slept it off, hoping it would fade. It didn’t.
Days turned into a week, and the pain grew unbearable. I found myself in an ER, disoriented, feverish, and struggling with double vision. The doctors suspected an autoimmune condition but couldn’t pin down a diagnosis.
The next seven months became a haze of doctor visits, MRIs, and endless prescriptions. More than 20 specialists, six different hospitals — nothing definitive. One neurologist in Penang, a seasoned expert, even implicitly called my case “research-worthy.” His eyes lit up as he discussed my unique symptoms, which, while fascinating to him, were life-altering for me — like, what the hell, bro?
The verdict so far? Maybe it’s Idiopathic Orbital Inflammation (IOI), an autoimmune disorder. Two MRIs confirmed some inflammation, but beyond that, it’s a mystery.
Meanwhile, I’m on meds so strong they could probably kill me faster than the condition itself. Side effects? You name it — skin issues, brain fog, heart strain, and a wrecked metabolism. My savings? Gone. My family? In debt trying to keep me afloat.
The kid who wanted to be a hero? Now officially a burden to others.
Back to Scott Adams and his chapter on selfishness. He explains that out of the three options, your best bet is to be selfish. Why? Because being stupid or a burden helps no one.
He’s not talking about greedy selfishness — he’s talking about taking care of yourself so you can function at your best. Fitness, eating well, pursuing your career, and spending quality time with family and friends — all these selfish acts actually make you more capable of helping others.
Think about it: successful CEOs or business owners are selfish as hell. But because they’ve got their lives sorted, they don’t add stress to those who care about them.
Meanwhile, if you neglect your health or career, you’re the stupid one. And guess what? That stupid person eventually becomes a burden on society.
This hit me hard. Growing up with Asian values, we’re taught that it’s better to give than to receive. But this obsession with appearing generous?
It’s short-sighted.
“Eh, my friend’s stressed and wants to hang out after work. I’ve got gym scheduled, but whatever, let’s go.”
“Eh, my friend just called crying over her cheating boyfriend. I’ve got IELTS class, but should I cancel and go to her place to console her?”
Sound familiar?
Take care of yourself first, so you can do a better job of being generous in the long run.
The world needs you at your best, not your burnt-out version. Once your needs are met, you’ll naturally start thinking about how to make the world better.
One other thing that I learned is that we can’t justify our actions solely because of our good intentions.
No one knows our intentions; what they see or know are the results or consequences of our actions. For example, I believe there are lots of parents out there who want the best for their children but somehow their ways only make their children suffer even more — trust me, I know.
OR,
Take an example of public officials imposing new laws, like increasing the Value Added Tax to 12% just because their intentions are good, without looking at the reality on the ground.
OR,
Take an example of me trying so hard to be this ‘hero’ for others. Trying so hard to impose my personal values on my family, friends, ex-girlfriend, and even my members back in AIESEC until they got demotivated because of my leadership style.
Yes, my intention was good. But it was subjectively good. How arrogant was I to think it was objectively good for them?
The problem is that we are continually judging people, wishing they were something that they are not. We want to change them. And because this is not possible, and because everyone is different, we are continually frustrated and upset.
Instead, see other people as phenomena — they come in all varieties, making life rich and interesting.
Yes, people are irrational, but so are you.
Remove greed, arrogance and pride from your ego, and I pray that you will eventually become the wisest selfish person on the planet.
As for me, I’m starting to feel less stupid and a bit more selfish. These days, I say no when I’m not up for something. I try not to let other people’s problems take over my brain. I got even closer to the Almighty and the universe. And one doctor gave me the best advice: talk to your body every morning. Thank each of your cells and tissues, promise them you’re in this together, and thank them for keeping you alive up to now.
Sounds woo-woo, but somehow it works.
Also, by finally sharing this story, I’m swallowing my pride and genuinely opening up about my experience with you.
So yeah, I’m doing my best. Aren’t we all?
